I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
