Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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