I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
