I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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