Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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