I'm gonna have a badass scar
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
