did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
