I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
