Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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