Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
