There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
