I am full of burrito and curiosity
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
