Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
