Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
