Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
