Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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