Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
