Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
