Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
