some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
