So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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