Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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