I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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