I wish I could punch you in the face.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
