Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
