I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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