mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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