Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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