kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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