I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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