Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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