According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
