i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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