Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
