How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
