I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
