using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
