Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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