And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
