1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
