My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
