Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
