girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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