Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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