also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
