apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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