I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
