She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
