wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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