Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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